What Do I Say When You Won't Talk

Dr. Donna J. Mann

"But, she won't talk to me about it," my friend replied. "She just changes the subject."

What do you do when a hurting person "doesn't need help, thank you"? What do you say when a hurting person says "I'm fine, how are you?"

Within your circle of friends, you probably have at least one person grieving a significant loss. This might be a loss of trust or innocence. It might be the loss of a good friend, relative, spouse or pet. It might be the loss of a dream.

They may have visible signs of a grieving person:

(1) stress from attempting to manage emotions

(2) behavioural patterns that compensate for loss

(3) physical symptoms that express unresolved emotions.

Yet, when you ask them how they are, they might respond, "Fine!"

Is it because they are not aware of their grief, or is it because they don't want to talk with you about it, or is it because they don't allow themselves to think about their loss.

If they say, "Fine" because they are not aware of the grief process, you might suggest some reading material, or with compassion and care, ask them some leading questions. You might  invite them to come and hear a speaker with you, giving them the message that you are willing to invest yourself in them. Buying them a gift of a journal or giving a consoling gift also tells them something.

If they don't want to talk to you about their life situation or the emotions they experience, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes either the trust level is not high enough or their pride level is too high for them to share their feelings. Offer an unconditional openness to your relationship and continue with thoughtfulness. Be aware that they may have already chosen a confidant and may need you to fill another role in their life. A message that you value their relationship, and will be present to them at all times is translated in your attitude and actions.

If they are not allowing themselves to think about their loss or their emotions, you may not have the time, opportunity or endurance to bring about change. If they submerge their feelings or deny the power that unresolved emotions have in their life - simply be available to them. There may come a time when they will need you and you will want to be close. As well, you may conclude that they will never disclose their pain, leaving you to watch the stress, behavioural patterns and physical symptoms take their toll in their life.

As a friend who is willing to listen and wanting an opportunity to care, you may find yourself in a precarious position of waiting. This is a relationship of grace.